The editor of our newsletter asked me to write about forgiveness. Beside the fact that her request was inappropriate and example of tribal gaslighting , I was not prepare to release this writing at that time.

I postpone addressing that to the future. That time has arrived. I prepared this writing to clarify the concept of ”forgiveness”.

Forgiveness And Multiple Personality

One of the fundamentals of 12 steps program is step 9 . It is about forgiveness and making amends. In this context, there is always one unified person to deal with. How would one process this concept with a person that display assorted forms of personality.

I have explained the topic extensively in Secret Lives Of Cluster B.

This writing is about the histrionic personality aspect of "Cluster B" and framing the narratives.

Preemptive Forgiveness as "narcissistic Framing"

As the image below shows, narcissists needs to switch the narrative around. He needs to show himself as victim and his victim as predator

narcissistic framing

In the 12 steps meetings, what else is better than "forgiveness". Everybody is working on this. It is essential part of recovery. Everyone is working on this except the person that narcissists put the finger on. Naturally that was me.

Never mind that he is stalker, never mind of his sexual violence in the room.

I wonder if he people who make a meaningless interpretation of "forgiveness" , has ever walked into a support group for the victim of stalking. Go ask them, what they think of forgiving their stalker.

Forgiveness as Diversion Tactics: Narcissist is master in diversion tactics. "seeking" forgiveness with a loudspeaker is one of them. This is specially important fact to consider, Because, forgiveness is the essential tools of recovery in the 12 steps meeting.

So, covertly, but dishonestly he aligns himself with the great virtue of the program. that is the virtue of forgiveness. So, the stalker present himself as man of virtue. Naturally, his adversary has no virtue.

"forgiveness". as stage Of Trauma Bonding

narcissists use forgiveness for trauma bonding . Dr Patrick Carnes describe that as thw third stage of abuse as shown below .

It is a repetition compulsion at its core. It is a hormonal bonding. This is the bases for stalking.

The word “direct” in direct amends

So far, it was established as how the narcissists use the word “forgiveness” as a tool for demagoguery . But, the biggest magic of misconception is the omission of the word “direct” in “making direct amends” in step 9.

Step 9 is the hallmark of recovery from any addiction. It has been written about it in many 12 step programs.

However , the emphasis of the word “direct” has been diminished throughout the years . The founders of 12 steps have repeatedly used the term “Direct Amends” in their text. Addition of a qualifier with such an emphasis implies “indirect amends to be avoided at any cost. This is another form of triangulation , which is a form of stalking.

I take my hat off for the narcissists . He successfully transform a virtue of the program into a way of stalking.

forgiveness is the permission to do it again:

When a narcissist asks for forgiveness , in reality he is asking for permission to do it again . Dr Ramani , explains this very eloquently in What do narcissists do with your forgiveness?

Miscommunication

While forgiveness is a fundamental virtue, especially in the recovery circle, and particularly in the 12 steps program. it is also just another tool in the narcissist ‘s tool box. It is a fundamental miscommunication between people in the circle of recovery and the narcissists. They are two different concepts.

We need it as an essential tool in our recovery , Narcissists need it for easy access to narcissistic supply ( sadist satisfaction ).

When narcissists seek forgiveness , consciously or unconscionably he seeks two objectives

Easy access to the narcissistic supply (Sadism satisfaction)

Easy access to the target ‘s sympathetic nervous system ( To activate “Fight ,Flight , freeze, fawn on their victim. I will writ about it in the topic of exasperation).